Life as i had known it was over and i had no idea, no images, no vision, no plan, for what was coming. I felt ready for something and did not want to manifest or manufacture anything out of egoic need or fear. I wanted to surrender fully.

Not knowing felt good to me most of the time, often exciting, except for those Monday mornings at 4 am when i would awaken with jolts of energy that i named "terror" running through my body. Mostly i gave it no story and just worked with the energies that were downloading. I was in the field of my second Saturn return, a time when shadow, what has been unlived, unexpressed, unknown, or unloved so far, was ready and needing to come forth. I was willing

Last fall i knew it was time to sell my house and began the process of preparing the house for that. Deep snows and icy cold had me huddled by the fire for weeks in winter, and then one Sunday morning in March I woke up knowing clearly it was time to put the house on the market that week. The same day, to my surprise, i went with a friend to look at RV's and bought one a week later. Things kept falling into place effortlessly, the gates kept opening. It all seemed to 'happen' effortlessly without me and without any quibbling, wondering, what-ifs. I had no sense of 'doing' any of this and wondered 'who' bought the RV and what was unfolding.

I got a contract on my house within two weeks, which fell through a few weeks later--to my advantage. The buyer reneged on the deal, so the earnest money helped with expenses, and i got very ill and had surgery in July. Had the first deal gone through, I would have been too sick to pack and move by the agreed upon date, July 3. Another buyer appeared and i had three more weeks to get everything done. I felt the presence of Grace weaving through all of this.

This new life was launched officially when i announced two years ago (2005) that i was closing my women's mystery school in Maryland. Since the actual closing of the school in April 2006, the process was accelerating and taking me through the next portals of initiation. It was an intense year from the last school gathering of community up to the actual moving from my home into my Shaggy Pony (RV).

I am amazed, still somwhat in shock, that i sold the house, stored my furniture, put my plants and some artwork in 'foster care' with friends, and am now writing this in my Shaggy Pony. It all happened Grace-fully, though not without its challenges and gatekeepers along the way. I am deeply grateful for the boundless generosity, hands-on help, and other modes of support from my son, my dear friends, my students and community in Maryland, fellow shaggy pony riders, and my health practitioners, both in Boulder and beyond. I felt held by all kinds of human and spiritual help, including help from the ancestors and devas.

From this side of it, i can see and say it was probably one of the most difficult passages of my life in certain ways. We long for awakening, we say we want (re)birth and often forget (mercifully) that the labor can be very intense, much more than we expected. I have worked with women's initiations for 25 years and we never get the initiation that the ego wants-- we get the initiation the ego doesn't want. That's the point. In initiation, we are called to face the fears that hold the egoic constructions in place. It can be excruciating and we can feel as though we are hanging on that meathook interminably.

There is no changing our minds once we are in the waves and contractions of labor. My ego got taken down to the marrow in numerous ways, especially through my body this time. I had to ask for lots and lots of help due to the illness and surgery, and the old i~dentity of "I can do it myself" had to go. I could not do it myself...it took a village. It was very humbling at times.

This past May, I finished up guiding a year-long women's initiation into the Mysteries of the Sacred Marriage. The road ending in my dream and facing/falling into the Great Emptiness felt like the culmination of that journey, my inner marriage to the Beloved, to the Mystery, the Great Unknowable. Getting the RV, with all of the possibilities it represented, felt like the honeymoon was just around the corner.

I began to call this journey, for which i had no plan, a Shaggy Pony Ride because it was all so unknown, not based upon anything familiar or experienced on the outer levels of my three dimensional life. I could not --still can't-- relate it to any past life experiences since most of my big 'adventures' have been in the inner worlds. I have not traveled extensively, lived on a boat, gone dog sledding in Alaska, or lived in a teepee. If there was no place to take a hot shower and plug in my hairdryer, it didn't come up on my radar. I have lived in or near cities and I like my comforts.

On the other hand, i feel as though i have been preparing and been prepared for this journey, as i move from my heart, that is my North Star, my guide, my inner gps that lets me know where i am, what i am to do or not, and that's what moves me. I don't move until i am moved by That. It works perfectly, on a need-to-know basis, in the NOW and is not particularly future-oriented, at least not the way the mind is always planning ahead. It requires that i give up all ideas about everything, give up imagining that i know anything, and be willing to surrender to what unfolds.

For me, the Shaggy Pony is an endearingly sweet way of naming the divine Beloved, That which is everything, omnipresent Presence, Pure Awareness, All-That-Is. It is That which is and moves everything: me, you, all that happens. To live a life of surrender to That is my purpose. Now i get to live this in a new way, very simply, with my little dog, Rumi, as i travel around and meet each moment, each day, each 'adventure', each 'stranger' who crosses my path.

There are friends to visit here and there all over the country, great natural beauty to see, people to meet. The Beloved wears many disguises. I have just begun to look at maps, measure miles, find the RV stops along the way, knowing that a sudden turn down the left hand path could happen in any moment. I got a portable CB radio i have yet to learn, and plenty of art supplies, recording equipment, and extra hard drives for the writing and recording. And a good supply of chocolate.

I also have deep friends holding a circle of support for me, available to call or email when my courage collapses or i feel lonely or need a witness to be with me while i grieve. I don't know who is here now, who is in this body that has changed somewhat due to the illness and surgery. I don't really know where i am going first when i leave Gunnison, and i don't yet know the route or where i will stay along the way. Yet to be revealed. I do have to go back to Boulder for some medical follow-up this week.

I have much to learn about traveling the outer realms, about this RV, about being HOME - Here NOW - without actually owning a home. Another time i will write about what home has meant to mean--it's BIG for me not to be owning a home, having a place of my own tied to the land. My home is withink, and my outer home is on wheels now. I actually love living in my small, space, having just what i need, nothing extra. {I am still sorting out the 'extras' for storage when i return to Boulder.}

I don't know much of anything at this moment except that my heart is full, beginning to feel the grief that is now here--finally. I grieved a lot while i was packing, putting my hands on everything i own, remembering so many people and parts of myself and my life. I am now also feeling the first shimmerings of excitement as i ride into the Unknown. Giddyup!

Lastly, I found this photo of myself on a shaggy pony, about age 5 - see it on my blog. It took me back to remembering that little girl, how she - I - loved being outdoors, loved walking alone in the mysterious woods, feeling myself to be on an adventure. I lived on Narragansett Bay in Newport, R.I., and spent my summers until i was 12 beachcombing, collecting green and blue sea glass, all kinds of shells, starfish, horseshoe crab armor. I fished on a pier and watched the thunder and lightning storms from the 'poopdeck' on the roof of our house. I was an outdoor girl, happy to be in and explore the natural world. As i remembered these things, i could feel that little girl within me, feel her excitement whenever i got in the Shaggy Pony to outfit it or drive it. That little Pony Girl is on this adventure, too.

Every two weeks, on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, I do phone sessions and the Shaggy Pony Teleconference.  One thing is clear to me: regardless of where we are, how 'fixed' our lives appear to be, you and I are all on a shaggy pony ride, not in control even when we think we are, and constantly living in the Unknown--whether we realize it or not.  At any moment, our lives can take a totally unexpected turn.